immersed in sound..

music definitely has its way of taking you to another world.. if it weren’t for music, i would probably depressed again right now.. been drowning myself in it since 10 pm and i’m not feeling as sad as i was in the past few days..  the most effective kind of music to listen to for me are those that i can directly relate to.. you know those songs that seem like they were written especially for you? the one that tell exactly how you feel.. i guess it’s nice to know that you’re not the only one going through these kinds of situations.. music is definitely a way for people to realize that they aren’t alone..

experiences are definitely made to be shared, that each of us could learn from each other, and not commit the same mistakes others have, and avoid hurts that others have..

i guess i’ve been feeling relatively better today.. except for this morning in class, when i broke into tears so obviously that i had to pretend that i had a headache.. embarassing how tears suddenly just kept rolling down my face.. after that, spent most of my time alone… staring blankly into space and thinking about things… i think that’s what i need… time to think about things.. and considering that i tend to think too much, i’m going to need a lot of time to think things over.. but when i’m thinking, i don’t like talking much.. i guess these past few days have been the quietest since… i find myself talking with myself in my mind… some have been asking me what’s wrong, saying i haven’t been myself, some having found out about my little stunt the other night.. but don’t worry, i’ll be fine.. i really just need to think.. sorry if i haven’t had the “gusto” to talk with anyone lately.. don’t take it against yourself.. “it’s not you, it’s me”

i have 7 years to think about..

i was telling my friend last night how when i was a kid, i used to copy other people’s handwriting.. i think i was in 3rd grade when i started copying one of my friends’ handwriting.. after a year, i grew tired of it, so i looked for another one to copy.. the next year, i did the same. And the year after that.. when i got to highschool, i grew tired of copying others’ handwriting and reverted to my own.. then i realized i lost my handwriting.. what resulted was a really ugly, and barely legible handwriting.. until now, i don’t have a decent hand writing to show, which is why i always opt to type things up when i can.. rather than handwrite things…

somehow that’s how i feel about my life.. Aimee… or maybe that’s just what i want you to believe, but in reality, I’m really not..

everyone has the ability to go a little crazy sometimes

and i’m certainly not an exemption… the other night a friend of mine remarked how better off i was because i didn’t have any problems… if she only knew.. lately i’ve been becoming more and more depressed.. for years of being on an emotional rollercoaster, it’s the first time that i’ve experienced a consistent plummet on the ride.. maybe i’ve fallen off the track and am actually falling straight to what ever lies below? i couldn’t sleep.. i was up all night at our fire escape thinking about everything.. it’s not that i don’t know what’s bothering me, it’s that i know too much.. i was sitting on a ledge, totally forgetting my fear of heights looking into the night, in short nag drama.. crying, at how things have been going these past 7 years of my life.. i don’t know why but i started texting people asking if they were awake.. maybe i just didn’t want to feel alone.. one of my friends called when he got my text.. that’s when i realized that it was 3am and that i was being selfish bothering people at such an untimely hour.. especially when they couldn’t really do anything even if they were awake.. no one can help me with my problem except myself.. i couldn’t talk to any of my friends here.. nobody knows my whole story.. the one friend i have that did lives in another continent.. after producing a bucket load of snot, i went online, hoping that he was too.. it’s was supposedly 10pm at his country.. he should be online.. but he wasn’t.. some of my other friends were online, but i didn’t have the strength to explain everything.. it’s too much for me to think about, how much more put into words… i don’t know why but i’ve been majorly depressed the past weeks.. i thought i was okay and that  i was over it last week, but i wasn’t.. i can’t help but think that i’m starting to go insane.. i can’t go insane.. i have to graduate first, i’ve still got a sem to go.. i need to finish this.. i seriously think i need to start seeing a psychologist.. babbling.. so is this what it’s like? btw, i discovered that sending blast to 2366 on sun also gives them 2 hour accounts for 20 pesos just like globe. i was at home last night so i had to go dialup, though i didn’t want to go back to 7eleven so early in the morning..

hurry…

what’s taking you so long?
i’ve been waiting for forever
i was calling you when i was 15
i  called you twice…
they never found out but i was
can i persuade you in anyway  that you may come sooner?

breathing.. sadly still
people will say i deserve better friends
you’re the only friend i’m waiting for
i hope you come tomorrow
or better yet right now
i was about to call you again earlier
but got scared
not that you would come
but scared that things might stop you

others might try to stop you…
but you should keep on ..

i’ve been waiting since i was 15

hasten your stride

all i’ve been standing for
has been a farce since forever
nobody knows but me

and i’m tired
of whatever left there is for me to do
it’s always been nothing but fake

for the longest time
it’s been a burden to carry alone
all too heavy
tears will fall and dry up
and things will seem better for just a while
then it comes back

heavy.. hasten your stride
i don’t know how much more i can take
i will fall soon

till forever swallows me whole
with a heat that will sear my flesh till my soul burns
and dies forever

tears in heaven?

turns out, we didn’t have class at our 10 am class today so i’m extending my stay here at seattle’s.. it’s raining..

i remember as a child i always thought God was crying everytime it rained.. if a tear fell for every bad thing, bad deed, bad word that came out of this world, another flood would have enveloped the earth. maybe since He promised that would never happen, he’s crying in installment…

rain has always been synonymous to sadness for me.. after a weekend of contemplating on the other aspects of my life, i realize now that i’ve been on an emotional roller coaster for almost 8 years.. not once was i stable.. i only felt i was but judging at how temporary everything was, i guess i wasn’t.. even in the longest “relationship” that i had, i wasn’t really… what’s a good word.. contented?

no question about it, i got lots of lessons, though i never seemed to learn from them.. i would like to think that i don’t have any regrets in life.. but so much wrong has happened that my life has turned into one big chunk of regret.. yes, experience is the best teacher but with a hard headed student like me, i should have dropped out of school after the first lesson cause after several takes i still couldn’t get it! in summary, i’d describe myself as a person with a (fairly) smart brain, and a stupid heart…i certainly know how to get myself into messy situations… sometimes digging my own grave, and sometimes making a building for myself to jump off from..

things are not always what they seem to be on the outside.. that’s definitely true..